My sister hates it when I don’t wrangle my thoughts into a single, neatly composed message. Most days I occupy the majority of real estate on her phone screen with haphazard messages about what I ate for breakfast, article links and plans for our next family holiday. But because we are siblings, she has to forgive me when I hit her with these rapid-fire missives – even if it means she misses a message from her kids’ daycare, which is probably a bit more urgent than my dribble of thoughts.
The reason for this daily barrage is the 1,200km stretch of road between my sister and I. The toing and froing of messages keeps us both on the same page, without the need to spend hours on the phone. Instead we can now shoot off messages in-between appointments or errands to single-handedly stay in touch while maintaining the pace of our lives. Usually there are multiple threads going at once: on Instagram we’re sharing images of things we want to buy; Snapchat is the domain of all the random stuff her little kids get up to; and Facebook Messenger is a dumping ground for everything else, like reminders about an upcoming family birthday and photos of things we bought after talking about it on Instagram.
Online chats have woven into family life so steadily that we’ve hardly noticed how this shift in communication affects our sibling relationships. Whether you are separated from your siblings by oceans or impenetrable city traffic, group chats let you keep sharing the minutiae of daily life that’s intrinsic to family connection.
Online chats have woven into family life so steadily that we’ve hardly noticed how this shift in communication affects our sibling relationships.
Small things like getting a heads up from my sister when our favourite chocolate brand is on special, allow us to maintain the kind of conversations we’d have if we could live in the same neighbourhood. Distance also means that we need to find new ways of getting under the skin of our siblings. There is no more borrowing clothes without permission, sneaking the last piece of birthday cake or planning ways to scare one another while walking out of the loo. But I can now taunt my sister with photos of donuts that she can’t get in her regional town, and that’s still pretty satisfying.
In larger broods, the sibling group chat remains a competitive arena to be heard among the rush of messages. My partner is one of six, and his phone is permanently on silent to maintain our sanity as his brothers and sisters weigh in on debates like who had the most embarrassing childhood haircut. There is so much fervent input into this thread that most things are resolved via an official poll – and when that doesn’t work, the discussion is turned over to the larger group chat with cousins and partners for further analysis.
If my sister thinks she gets a lot of notifications thanks to my stream of consciousness style of messaging, she hasn’t experienced anything like the onslaught of chimes from a tribe of siblings deciding what to cook at the next get-together. There are other battlefronts in the group chat too, like landing on a group name or changing the group photo to unflattering snaps of each other.
Emojis, gifs and the real-time nature of online chats make it easy to maintain this level of banter and sibling rivalry, but a sibling group chat fills other voids as well. It’s a place to field honest advice or to seek reassurance that you really don’t deserve those passive-aggressive emails from your boss. These conversations take the place of small acts of familial kindness you can’t offer from afar, like a delivery of soup to help with a cold or lifts to the airport.
There are other battlefronts in the group chat too, like landing on a group name or changing the group photo to unflattering snaps of each other.
Then there are other subtle wins that come from the group chat. Introverted family members gain the mental space to express themselves by being a step removed from the pace of in-real-life family discussions. And when new partners are granted entry to a sibling group chat, you know the relationship has gained the seal of acceptance.
These idiosyncrasies have become an extension of family life. While no amount of messages will replace the connection of hanging out under the same roof, it’s an incredible thing that we can access real-time updates about what is happening in the lives of our childhood kin – especially if geography makes it impossible to see each other in person, or you simply prefer to keep your siblings at arm’s length.
For me, there is nothing nicer than waking up to cute pictures of my niece and nephew on a Monday morning. So until we can teleport or flights to my sister’s regional town finally become cheaper than those abroad, these chat threads will keep me grounded to the comforting and chaotic business of being a sibling and aunt.
Words: Melinda Halloran | Illustration: Claire Cresswell
As seen in Swell Issue 6.
