You’ve all heard of the Myers Briggs test, right? Especially if you’re a frequent member of dating apps or networking events. INFJ, ENFP, etc. But do you know what the real test of your personality is? The thing that reveals who we are the most? It’s your go-to ice cream on a summer’s day. We’re not talking cones or flavours here. We’re talking old-school, beach kiosk-worthy choices. You know, the kind that featured on our first ever cover of Swell mag. In the interest of throwing back to the good times, here is my (completely biased) review of the ice creams featured. I’ve also ranked them, just because I can.
1. Bubble O Bill
Claiming its rightful throne at the top of this list is, of course, the humble yet mighty Bubble O Bill. Because this Neapolitan delight has everything you could ever need and want from an ice cream. A chocolate-coated backing, silky soft strawberry deliciousness, and added thrill of attempting to guess just what colour bubblegum nose you’ll be greeted with. Sure, there’s debate as to whether the bubblegum is legit, but when you’re a kid (or over-enthusiastic adult), who the heck cares?
2. Gaytime
I have no idea why it took Australia so long to legalise same-sex marriage. I mean, come on, we have a legit ice cream named after the fun times had by many a rainbow human, which is part of the reason why it sits at number two on this list. The other reason is the pure mystery behind it. You’ll find yourself asking questions like: why is it called a Gaytime? What’s that stuff on the outside made of? Why is it so delicious? What exactly is this flavour in my mouth? And…can I have another one?
3. Splice
A splice is like a pina colada you can eat, at any time of the day. Sure, you don’t get the buzz due to the lack of alcohol (duh, but also… lame) but the tropical vibes and good times are most definitely present. The balance between the lemon/lime flavour and the vanilla ice cream absolutely hits the spot, cools you down, and ticks that tangy and delicious box every single time.
4. Rainbow Paddle Pop
Because no matter how hard you try, you just can’t top a classic. But wait Laura, I hear you say. You’ve put this bad boy at number 4 on this list… huh? My answer to you is: yes, it’s a classic we all love. But personally, I prefer a banana Paddle Pop. If things were different, and I didn’t lean towards the fruity flavour, then you could consider Bubble O Bill firmly knocked off its shiny perch. That being said, the rainbow Paddle Pop… tastes like rainbow ice cream. What does rainbow ice cream actually taste like? Happiness, goddammit. (But also, apparently, caramel! Who knew?!)
5. Icy pole
The humble icy pole is the kind of ice cream (sorry, I should say ice block) that you were forced to buy as a kid if you only had 50 cents in your pocket. The kind you had to get when you couldn’t afford the crème de la crème, but were still looking for a hint of cold sugary goodness. And all your mates were buying the good stuff. Look, my other beef with icy poles is that they drip. Furiously. And they’re sticky. And hurt your teeth when you bite them. Yucky.
6. Cyclone
Ah, the Cyclone. This particularly phallic ice block sits here, last on this list, for many reasons. The Cyclone tastes like nothing, is extremely difficult to eat, and due to its shape is most unfortunate for any adult to eat in public. Just my opinion. But hey, I’m sticking to it. Also, the layering system is kind of weird and this is an ice block that never really seems to end. Why is this a bad thing? It just is okay… deal with it.
So, what will your choice be the next time you’re in line at Swell Kiosk, debating how best to cool down? My parting advice is to treat yo’self to something sweet, and don’t settle for an icy pole. You’re better than that now. You deserve nothing but the best. (And that bubblegum nose is legit, I swear!)
