Someone once told me that holidaying with kids is just parenting in a different location, and after years of practice, I can confirm they were absolutely right. When I first wrote this story (in issue 2 of Swell), I was deep in the trenches of toddler travel. Now, with a bit more distance (and a lot more trips under my belt), I can say the chaos doesn’t really go away, it just changes shape.
Back then, returning home from a trip often left me wondering why we even bothered. These days, I’ve learned to laugh at the madness, lower my expectations and focus on the parts my kids will actually remember. Because while there are still moments that make me want to book a solo holiday immediately, there are also moments of pure joy that make it all worthwhile.
If you’re a parent who’s braved a family trip, I suspect you’ll recognise a few of these stories. And if you’re not, well, I’ll let you decide whether this serves as a warning, or a reminder to go and book that luxurious, child-free getaway while you still can.
Packing
When preparing to leave the house for an extended time with kids, you must gather everything you think you’ll need, then double that amount. Just in case! Know that the car will be so full that the driver’s rear vision will be partially obstructed and when you arrive and open the boot there’s a very high chance that you will be swamped by an avalanche of luggage, pillows and toys.
Leaving for the trip on time
You might think you’re more organised than the McCallisters (you know the family in Home Alone that ran around like headless chooks trying to get to the airport on time then forgot to take their kid?), but I can guarantee that just as you’re about to leave, one or both children are going to lose their shoes or will need to go to the bathroom – for the tenth time that morning.
On the road
Once you have finally made it out of the driveway, you’ll be ready to lose yourself in the epic road trip playlist you spent weeks compiling. Sorry, but you’re going to have to listen to the Moana soundtrack, on repeat, for the next three hours. Don’t worry, it turns out that Dwayne
‘The Rock’ Johnson actually has a semi-okay voice!
Prepare also to factor in the mandatory comfort stop, at least three times throughout the journey. Be aware that just as you’re approaching a rest stop and a chance to stretch the legs and grab that longed-for coffee, one or both of the kids will have finally gone to sleep. Maybe they’ll have somewhat drinkable coffee in the next town?
Just like packing for the trip itself, preparing for a day at the beach with kids requires an exhaustive list of things to pack: sun protection, snacks, water, swim nappies, floatation devices, toys and more snacks. Gone are the days of a quiet dip alone.
A good night’s sleep
In my past life, holidays were always an excellent time to catch up on lost sleep. Since having kids, I can safely say that the complete opposite tends to happen. When you mix an unfamiliar environment with a good dose of sugar (thanks to loving yet indulgent relatives) and a whole heap of over-stimulation, you have the perfect recipe for sleepless nights. Getting up to crying children, toilet trips and glasses of water at regular intervals every night has the same effect on your sleep-deprived body as setting an alarm at two hourly intervals just for fun.
It’s not all bad though. Should you wish to indulge in an afternoon nap, those wonderful grandparents who dosed your kids up on sugar are excellent babysitters and if you’re as blessed as me, they may even offer to have one of your angels bunk in with them. Be quick to accept this offer because it is likely to only happen once. Grandparents soon realise how much they like getting an uninterrupted eight hours’ sleep too.
Eating out
Holidays and eating out go hand-in-hand, so don’t let the kids stop you. If they’re serving tiny overpriced cups of frothed milk (and don’t you dare forget the marshmallow), the whole family is happy. But for all the kid-free couples I thought I’d paint a picture of how dining out with little ones unfolds.
Be prepared that as soon as you are seated, one child will spill their drink all over the table. When the waiter brings your food over, the other one will burst into tears even though they’ve been handed exactly what they asked for. All this time you will be conscious of the glares of adults seated close by, so you eat your meal so fast that you’re not sure you even taste it. Once the meal is over you quickly gather up all the toys and activities you brought with you to keep the kids occupied, attempt to wipe up the mess left on and under the table and make a hasty departure. You can visit a different café next time.
A day at the beach
Just like packing for the trip itself, preparing for a day at the beach with kids requires an exhaustive list of things to pack: sun protection, snacks, water, swim nappies, floatation devices, toys and more snacks. Gone are the days of a quiet dip alone.
Instead, you will be required to rescue your children from being knocked over as they run like little wind-up turtles into the waves. Expect to build numerous sandcastles, extract shells and other marine life from small mouths and be buried up to your neck in sand. Speaking of sand, I hope you really like it because you’re going to be finding it long after you return home and in all sorts of unexpected places.
Making memories
By now you might be questioning your decision to take children on holidays or maybe even procreate in the first place. When planning our most recent trip, cleaning vomit off a three-year-old on the side of the Hunter Expressway wasn’t how I envisaged things might unfold. Nor was I prepared for the lack of sleep that resulted from the change in routine, or the trip to the emergency room (I’ll save that story for another time).
But I can say with absolute confidence that some of the best memories I have made with my kids came from this holiday. Hearing that same three-year-old excitedly point out every horse and cow we saw along the way really put things into perspective for me. Kids don’t need fancy hotels or expensive outings to bring them joy. So even though we feel like we need a holiday to recover from the holiday, we’ve decided to do it again next year. And I will let them eat the sand, stay up way past their bed time and even rub ice cream in their hair. Then I will hand them over to their grandparents and go and get myself a mojito.
