When you’re young, it feels like friends will just keep amassing as you go through life. I imagined that by the time I was in my mid-thirties, I’d be hosting massive dinner parties with all sorts of fascinating people I had crossed paths with. But that didn’t happen. People began drifting in and out of my orbit, some moving halfway across the world and others simply growing in different directions. It felt like I woke up one day and wondered where all my friends had all gone.
I quickly found that fixing this situation wasn’t as easy as it once was. When we were children, new connections were easily made in the playground. In your twenties, you could randomly end up at your roommate’s cousin’s neighbour’s house party and walk away with a swag of new connections. There was plenty of time for hanging out and getting to know people, and life just seemed to constantly put potential new friends in front of you. But as you get older, life gets more rigid and a lot less spontaneous, meaning you simply don’t come across as many new people.
You may move to a completely new place and need to start from scratch, like Tiana Jarvis did when she came to Newcastle and knew no-one. Initially she struggled to meet new people, but eventually she worked out a few useful strategies – one of which included putting a notice up in her apartment block inviting her neighbours to join her at the pub the following day. She also started Lawn Liaison – a social lawn bowling event that allows participants to connect with new people and has also helped her to make friends. Tiana says the experience taught her just how common it is to need the connection of new friends as an adult. “Everyone wants to make friends, but everyone also seems fearful or embarrassed to make the first move,” she says about talking to new people. “If you smile and say hello, you are generally going to get a positive reaction.”
She also explains the importance of investing time in new friendships. “It is about quality over quantity and finding someone with similar interests, then you have a quality foundation to come back to,” Tiana explains. “It is also about time in different environments, so you start to build trust in a person and become comfortable, because you understand them.”
“Everyone wants to make friends, but everyone also seems fearful or embarrassed to make the first move,” she says about talking to new people. “If you smile and say hello, you are generally going to get a positive reaction.”
Aside from moving to a new place, there are other reasons why you may feel suddenly adrift. Entering a new stage of life – like having a baby, starting a business or making a significant lifestyle change – can see you craving new connections who understand what you’re going through. Whatever is happening in your world, it is perfectly normal to feel as though you need to meet some new faces from time to time, so there is nothing to be embarrassed about! Plus, doing something about it is good for you too. Friends are great for improving mood, reducing stress and helping us keep an open mind. While on the other hand, loneliness has all kinds of negative impacts on mental and physical health.
So, with that in mind, let’s get you out there! The trick is to get out of your comfort zone a little (and it’s not as hard or icky as you might think). Here’s how to get started.
Try something new
One way to meet people you’re likely to connect with is to pursue your own interests like joining a local running club, volunteering or going to an art class. The good thing about meeting people doing something you enjoy is that it’s far easier to be yourself. Once you’re there, the trick is to talk to people. Sure, it can feel weird, but chances are the other person will be flattered you broke the ice and said hi. If you’re feeling shy, don’t try to talk to everyone. Pick a friendly face and simply chat to them for a few minutes. Gradually you’ll start to build your confidence and reignite any social skills that might have become rusty in the last few years.
Have realistic expectations
You don’t need to make one hundred new besties – even one or two new friends will make you feel more connected. On that note, it’s important not to expect too much from one person. Instead, set out looking to make a few different friends who you connect with for different reasons (rather than a best friend who instantly gets you on every level). Those truly deep friendships will grow with time – for now you’re simply looking for mutual interests as a foundation.
Give it time
One reason it feels so hard to make friends as an adult is that you need to invest time into your relationships for them to grow. Unfortunately, one or two coffee dates isn’t going to set you up for friend status –that’s because research has found it takes around 50 hours to make a casual friend and 200 hours for a close friendship. That’s a big part of the reason that making friends gets harder as you get older, because you have less time on your hands. So, once you find someone you feel you click with, make the effort as often as you can.
Set up a regular group activity
You know how I said that it takes a lot of time to go from acquaintance to friends? Well, this trick is all about bang for your time investment. If you set up a regular book club, dinner club, board games night or weekly meetup at the farmers market, the activity is locked into everyone’s calendar. This saves the back and forth of trying to find a time to catch up, which can be one of the biggest barriers to growing a friendship. We have been trying to have some new friends over for dinner for the last six months – at this rate, it’s going to take a good twenty years to log our friendship hours. Adopting this trick means you’ll see more people more regularly to get those hours in the bank, plus you can ask attendees to bring along their friends or colleagues, allowing you to meet new like-minded people.
Ask to be set up with new friends
This is the most direct way to connect with new people, but your ego is going to have to take a backseat and be okay with feeling a bit vulnerable. Reach out to friends, family or work colleagues and let them know you’re keen to meet new people. They might know someone who you could connect with, or they may start inviting you to their social events. You never know who you’ll meet or where the adventure will take you – and that’s the most exciting part about putting yourself out there.
Head online
Online is not just for relationship dating, it is a great place for friend dating. Join your suburb’s Facebook group and see if there are any social events happening. Do a shout-out on the group to see if there’s anyone who would like to join you for a walk or coffee. There are also apps like Bumble, Meetup, Friendly and Peanut to help you find new friends. Make the effort to take the chat offline and meet in person regularly, because it’s through shared experiences that we form the most meaningful bonds.
Don’t take it personally
The reality of trying to make new friends is that you will find yourself meeting people who you don’t click with, or who do not share your aspirations of widening their social circle. Some people simply reach a point where they feel they have made enough friends, which is a shame for them, because they’re missing out on the chance to make their world bigger and more interesting. If that happens, remember it’s got nothing to do with you and simply move on.
At times it can feel like life has reached a point where things feel fixed and rigid. Careers, family and routine take on a level of sameness and leave you with little time for fun. But something as simple as starting a monthly book club can see your world keep expanding…and you never know who you’ll meet along the way.
